I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
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