Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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