dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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