my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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