i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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