I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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