I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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