Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
