The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
