I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize