I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
