Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
