There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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