I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
