There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
