matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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