So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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