Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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