is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
