thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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