guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize