I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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