I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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