I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
that's an acceptable place to lick
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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