It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
