giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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