I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think pants incapable of making pants work
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
