I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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