Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
