He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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