Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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