Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
