i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
