we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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