new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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