Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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