I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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