just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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