I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
