I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
