I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
