when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
