I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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