No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
