I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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