I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
