The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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