shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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