Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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