so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize