i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
