If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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