Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize