these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
