why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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