My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
